Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

japanese corn

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies