Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
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No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Never ghost your hitman.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM