@ticknada

Everyone is an atheist until you zip your fly up too quick

Then its all Lord Jesus please help

You Might Also Like

@ThaJawn

Me: *trying to be cool* Scotch

Bartender: Preference?

Me: *nervously* hop

Bartender: Bout time! *breaks out sidewalk chalk*

@surrealvehicle

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

@CubanaMama82

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

@TheAlexNevil

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

@RealDMK

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

@onelongbender

When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren’t my kids but he’d never fire a Mom of seven, right?

@Kyle_Lippert

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

@Kimpulses

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

@Mom_Overboard

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

@notenoughwine

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you