[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
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My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.