Me: *trying to be cool* Scotch
Me: *nervously* hop
Bartender: Bout time! *breaks out sidewalk chalk*
Everyone is an atheist until you zip your fly up too quick
Then its all Lord Jesus please help
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INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren’t my kids but he’d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you