Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

My dream car is a taco truck.

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?