Everyone is awful in their own special way.
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Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
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