Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
