A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
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waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Weighing up my bread heating options
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Haha good job!!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no