Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
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You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?