Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
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coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?