Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
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Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.