Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters