Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
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*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint