Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
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you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
There is no “we” in chocolate.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
calling in to work dehydrated
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.