Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

this is uni

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”

Student: Would you use it in a sentence?

Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

Hmm, not sure about this change

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.