“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
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Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Mapping America’s Far Right
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
let’s discuss
Warm pools make me nervous.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.