Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

Me: *wearing white shirt*

Every food in the universe: GET HIM!

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.