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Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard


What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”


…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.


The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.


My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.


E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.


me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]


church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]


Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.


Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.