“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
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Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.