Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

Always this one for me forever

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.