Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂