Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
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A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.