Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
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“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My love language is deader than Latin
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.