Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
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A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.