Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die