Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
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“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
#damn
spicy snake
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
This kid is going places
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee