Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

somebody come look at this

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

Thursday Thought.

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.