Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.