Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
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Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys