Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
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blocked.
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Stop it! 😂
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.