Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.