Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

A family that plays together cheats.

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

Match dot com, but for socks.

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

Whoa… oh I see lol

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.