Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
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someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Winnipeg!!
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.