Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
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Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still