Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
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[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.