Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
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GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
there has never been a better use of this meme
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
much to think about
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.