Everyone is getting idioter.
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Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.