Everyone is getting idioter.
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I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Love this one 😂🧟
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.