Everyone is getting idioter.
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[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Look Ma, no handle on things
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder