Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
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They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
me working on my assignments ^-^
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Finally, an explanation.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.