Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane