Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
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Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
All is fair in drunk and war.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.