everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
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Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
True
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
No selfies while hijacking a train.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals