Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

I laughed at this way too hard.

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2