Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
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me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that