everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
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Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.