Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

The biggest mystery of our time

The most accurate map ever devised.

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.