Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

How your email finds me

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without