Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
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I am laughing way too hard at this.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Beware of fowl play.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit