Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
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Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?