Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.
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Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.