Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”

I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

Autocorrect is my menesis

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.