Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
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While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Seas the day!!!!
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee