Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
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I think about this a lot
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.