Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

me working on my assignments ^-^

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead