Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
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At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this