Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
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look at me when i’m typing to you
Holy shit he’s back
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*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
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*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”