Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
You Might Also Like
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective