Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
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They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure