Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!

Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!

Cowboy: I uh

Spider-Man: Go on!

Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

Liquor Store Parking

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

✌️

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

lost dog

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?