@theycallmeivy20

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

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@JohnHilsen

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

@ArfMeasures

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

@mommajessiec

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

@glazerboohoohoo

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

@markydoodoo

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

@FlyJ_

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

@SlothSlouch

I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow

@shatterpants

You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.

@Bob_Heller

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.