Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
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You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*