Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

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Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.


Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm


Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]


I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.


Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off


My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.


I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow


You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.


Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.