Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
You Might Also Like
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition