Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

it was a valiant fight

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you