Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

Me driving through Toronto

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians