Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

A huge thanks to the person that did this

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.