Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
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If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store