Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

kevin is now a local weatherman

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet