Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

good work, detective

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.