Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
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When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
My circle of trust is a meatball
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
me irl
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD